Friday, July 22, 2011

Friday Funny

This is an add in the classifieds in our local paper. Love it!!!

Fish Cat FC Cougar Pontoon row or kick fin boat - fishcat fishing boat
(Address removed)
OK, let me start off by saying this Pontoon Boat is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a Pontoon Boat to sprout chest hair and a five o’clock shadow, this Pontoon Boat would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly!!!

It was never intended to float to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn’t meant to you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that’s what your Prius is for. If that’s the kind of water craft you’re looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This Pontoon Boat was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn’t even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like Navigation(real men don’t get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn’t let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don’t even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a Minn Kota Endura that wields 46 lbs of thrust that will outrun any boat cops. It’s got special blood/gore resistant upholstery.

It even has a first-aid kit in the back (not Really). You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you’re operating on yourself. The Minn Kota also has cruise control so if you’re being chased by Libyan terrorists, you’ll still be able to shoot your machine gun over your shoulder and drive at the same time. It’s saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for one… unfortunately the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes will have to wait on the bank . There’s a motor mount to hold your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new anchor and rope to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $750.00, but I’ll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me $450 for it. That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There’s only a couple of trips on this pontooned hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me; it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it’s a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I’ll get back to you. And when I do, we’ll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I’m throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can’t fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants. Rock on.

1 comment:

Lacey Sue said...

That has GOT to be the coolest ad I have EVER seen!!! Rock on indeed!